The Lab Assistant

I submit for your consideration an ad found on Monster.com for a lab assistant in a Labcorp laboratory. Go to http://www.monster.com/ and search for "labcorp lab assistant" and you can find the same ad.
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Lab Assistant

POSITION SUMMARY: Perform specified tasks in the assigned section accurately and on schedule. Know and follow all safety procedures and be able to respond appropriately to an emergency or drill. Assist technical staff, other employees, physicians, clients, and supervisor in a cooperative manner. Carry out the supervisor’s directives. Act in the best interest of patient care and LabCorp.

ESSENTIAL JOB DUTIES:

· Assumes responsibility and accountability for accurate work.

· Performs limited testing, as assigned, following completion of training check out.

· Answers telephones in a pleasant, courteous, and professional manner, and effectively relays messages to appropriate personnel.

· Maintains a safe and clean work environment at all times. Attends all safety training classes and conforms to company safety guidelines and requirements.

· Conforms to established and new procedures and policies instituted by the company.

· Remains flexible with regards to work schedule as staffing requirements dictate.

· Trains new staff in lab assistant duties for the department.

· Adheres to and carries out all assigned quality control policies and procedures.

· Completes clerical work such as recording QC documents, logging in specimens, using computerized database.

· Performs instrument maintenance as assigned.

· Assists with inventory and ordering. Receives supplies, unpacks, labels, stores in proper place.

· Recognizes problems. Seeks assistance of supervisor, tech or lead lab assistant for problem solving.

· Participates in special projects as assigned.

· Performs work in the most economical and efficient manner in terms of time and materials.

REQUIREMENTS: High school diploma or equivalent required, some college science helpful. Excellent communication skills necessary to deal effectively with co-workers, clients, and hospital staff as well as patients possessing varying degrees of comprehension. Ability to deal effectively with all levels of laboratory staff and to communicate clearly and concisely over the telephone. Able to perform basic math functions. Previous lab experience either in student or clinical environment preferred. A willingness to work in fast paced, high volume laboratory. Data entry skills may be necessary.

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You will notice that laundry list of "Essential" Job duties. It looks quite extensive and seems to cry out for some extraordinary person to step into this demanding job.

But look at the requirements. The Lab Assistant applicant needs to have graduated from High School, or have a GED, or equivalent. A few sentences that pretty much translate into , "Is able to speak and understandable English." "Basic" math functions-what is that? Previous experience is nice but not necessary. And, of course, a willingness to submit to life as a mindless production line drone.

So, who, you may well ask, is applying for these jobs with no future, and where, if you are lucky enough to be unionized, you start at about $13.00 per hour.

The answer is, a few highly competent individuals who are willing to work hard and do an excellent job. And a lot of people who just don't seem to get it. They make mistake after mistake and are a burden on everyone who works in the lab. And of course, they mess up patient results in very creative and sometimes unknown ways. The last one like that lingered on for almost 6 months before being let go. Six months!

Other, competent lab assistants soon see where their own best interests lie and move on to other, better, higher paying jobs in the area. A turnover rate like that costs the company money. It also creates a pressure cooker work environment that only makes the problem worse. And last, but it should be first, the clients (doctors) are not well served and the patients are at risk. The doctors ends up relying on questionable lab results to care for their patients.

The answer is anathema to corporate profits. If you want good workers, you have to pay for them and spend money training them.

I salute the few lab assistants who make the work of this lab rat a little easier.

Lab Week

Well, we have just finished National Lab Week! How exciting! That was sarcasm, folks. For more information on this national event go here. How did we celebrate this event recognizing medical laboratory professionals? Lets see . . . . one day we got free pizza - 3 slices only please. The next day, we got one doughnut, two if your were quick. Then we were treated to ice cream, one ice cream bar. And one day we got a piece of cake. And on the last day, we were promised sandwiches, but ended up with pizza again.

What a sterling week! By the end I felt truly honored as a professional Medical Technologist. That was sarcasm again.

Next year I think I will take a week of vacation instead. Sigh.

Payroll

Once again we have had a payroll meltdown in our lab. The time clocks just stopped working recently. Now we are on the honor system and report our hours in writing to our supervisors. What is so frusterating is that this has happened before and just keeps on happening. I wonder why, if the company that does payroll is not performing the way it should, a new company is not hired. And so, we will get paid based on some assumptions about our attendance, and it will all be fixed on our next paycheck. So I am told. I find that I have to scrutinize my paycheck to keep the company from errors in their favor - never in my favor, of course.

Remember, this is a Fortune 500 multinational company, and they can't get the payroll right all the time.

I am a lab rat. Don't mess around with my cheese!

The Mission Statement

A few years ago, in what seemed the actions of mysterious invisible elves, nicely framed Labcorp mission statements suddenly appeared above all the employee time clocks in our lab. The Mission Statement can be seen here.

This sounds all wonderful and high-falutin', but it is just plain bull puckey. The whole goal for Labcorp is to "create value for our shareholders and opportunities for our employees."

I can tell you that opportunities for employees just do not happen. It makes me wonder about the value for the shareholders part as well. And you can plainly see where patient care falls in their priorities.

Where I work, part time employees are not allowed unless they do not have any benefits. Two part time people filling in one full time job costs the company an extra person's benefits. And we are told to wait for our breaks in order to use the restrooms. This is something you hear about in third-world assembly line factories that exploit workers, not a modern large U.S. based corporation.

Employees under conditions such as these can hardly delight customers. And with patient care taking second place to creating "value for our shareholders", I see that ethical standards are bent and broken every day in the lab.

The accountability part just puts the onus on the employee and takes the pressure off the management and gives them someone to blame when things go wrong.

What I see is that some people hired are excellent, a lot of people, especially in the entry level jobs that are concerned with data entry and accessioning, turn out to be unsuitable for doing the job.

Conserving company resources leads to what I have described before in my post labeled "Running on Empty".

Employees are the corporation's largest and most burdensome expense. When profits are down and expenses must be cut, employees are the first to go. Like Dilbert says, "Its like printing money." But no thought seems to be given to the increased workload of those left behind. What the corporation never seems to get is that too much work for too few people invariably leads to customer dissatisfaction.